


Someone I Could Save

by CrystalVolcheck



Category: Supernatural
Genre: A Bookstore That Also Has a Cafe, Alternate Universe, Bisexual Dean, Castiel Works in a Bookstore, Fallen Angels, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mechanic Dean, Minor Character Death, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Wingfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-01
Updated: 2015-03-14
Packaged: 2018-01-17 18:43:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1398502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystalVolcheck/pseuds/CrystalVolcheck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face<br/>The kind you'd find on someone I could save<br/>- "Jesus Christ" Brand New</p><p>Ever since Lucifer rebelled and hundreds of angels fell, no angel has ever been allowed to interact with humans, let alone allow their presence to be known to humans. Not even guardian angels are allowed to reveal themselves to their charges, which isn't a problem for Castiel, at least not until he is assigned to watch over Dean Winchester.</p><p>For years Castiel watches, but never acts even as Dean slowly loses everything; his mother, his father, the close bond he had with his younger brother, and any faith he had left. Then one night he sees Dean alone in the middle of nowhere, with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other, and decides that this is the one thing he cannot watch.</p><p>However, Castiel is unprepared for what unfolds once he stops Dean from pulling the trigger. </p><p>Tags will be added as story progresses.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Bottle and A Gun

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this post on Tumblr: supernaturalimagine.tumblr.com/post/80119833480/anonymous-hun
> 
> Story title from Brand New "Jesus Christ" 
> 
> Chapter title from Hollywood Undead " A Bottle and a Gun"
> 
> The next chapter and all chapters after will be a slightly different style, since Castiel will no longer be just watching Dean from Heaven. Also I will be spelling "Cas" as "Cass" since that is the supposed spelling, I apologize if that bothers anyone.

_You stand with the gun in your hand_  
staring at the wall with a look so sad  
and thinking about who really cares  
and will they even notice if I just disappeared now?

_“Beautiful” P.O.D._

January 24, 1979 was the date that Castiel’s existence was forever changed even if he didn’t realize that quite yet. For that cold Wednesday in January, Dean Winchester was born; the boy with the brightest soul that Castiel had ever seen was assigned to him. He would watch over Dean, until Death came, then he would usher that brilliant soul to Heaven.  It was also the closest that most angels got to humans; no angel was allowed to reveal their presence or intervene with the natural order. Guardian angels only served as a guarantor that a specific soul would reach Heaven.

“Ugh, I don’t know how you can stand Guardian Angel duty.” Gabriel announced his presence as Castiel stood in the doorway of Dean’s room unnoticed, watching the young boy play with his toy cars. He bit back a comment on the archangel’s impatience, it had only been four years since Dean was born and that small amount of time was like a drop in the ocean to him. Although, Castiel normally didn’t like being so close to his charges, but there was something different about Dean other than his bright soul that made him feel the need to stay close even if he would never be allowed to reveal his presence for any reason.

“Of course you wouldn’t, because it’s still considered work which you seem to be allergic to.”

“That’s no way to talk to your big bro, kiddo.” Castiel resisted the urge to roll his eyes and focused his attention on Dean once more and couldn’t help but smile as Dean rushed past the two angels upon hearing his mother call.

“Why are you here, Gabriel?”

“I just wanted to check on you, Heaven is buzzing about the snot-nosed brat that has you on Earth nearly every waking second.” The look on his face must have been a better response than actually saying something because Castiel had never watched Gabriel back pedal so fast. “Okay maybe it’s not every second, but ever since that kid started talking and walking you’ve been spending more time on Earth than most Guardians.  It’s kind of worrying; I know we were told to watch over humanity but we’re not supposed to interfere and by you spending so much time I’m afraid you might get a little tempted.”

Castiel’s pleasant mood went from simply being interrupted to being completely shattered, blue eyes narrowed at the shorter man who simply raised his hands in surrender. “I don’t appreciate what you’re implying.”

 “I know, but humanity is why we lost so many of our siblings already; Lucifer, Lauviah, Berith, Salikotal, and Marou are just a few that fell because they got too close to humanity and I don’t want to lose any more of my family even if I can’t stand most of them.”

“I understand your concern Gabriel, but I am nothing like them. I know my orders and my place.”

“They did too, but a split-second decision in a moment of desperation can change everything.” The two slowly found themselves in the kitchen watching Dean nibble at a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (no crusts) concern in his large green eyes as he listened to his mother talk on the phone.   “He’s a cute kid, probably be a real lady killer when he grows up. Too bad he’ll be dead before thirty.”

Castiel tried to ignore Gabriel’s comment when Mary hung up and Dean moved to hug Mary and tell her that he loved her, but found he couldn’t.

“What do you mean he’ll be dead before he’s thirty?”

“A kid with a soul that bright? He’ll give everything and anything to make sure the people that he loves are happy and safe, I can already see it.” There was a note of pity in Gabriel’s voice and somewhere in Castiel’s being he knew that the archangel was right. “Dead before thirty. Come on bro, you can watch him from Heaven like other Guardians watch over their charges. It’ll be easier that way, trust me.”

For a moment Castiel did wonder if it would be easier and he didn’t have to stay on Earth to watch over Dean.  He watched the two for a moment longer (Mary moving to get her son a slice of fresh apple pie) and wondered briefly if Dean would develop a lifelong love of pie before following the archangel’s advice, even if he wasn’t entirely happy about it, but it was for the best. As odd as it seemed, Guardians weren’t supposed to get attached to their charges and Castiel was not going to follow in the footsteps of his infamous siblings.

However when fire broke out in the Winchester home, Castiel had nearly fallen, wanting to be the one that pulled Dean out of the house. It had only been Uriel’s scathing glare that kept him in place and made sure he did nothing more than watch the house go up in flames while Dean sat tucked against his father’s side as he held his baby brother, frightened and completely unprepared for the life that now laid before him.

It was also Uriel’s threats that kept him from going to Dean as the boy was forced to grow up, take care of Sam because their father was too busy getting drunk and dragging them across the country in search of work. He felt sick watching the boys grow up in seedy motels, getting spotty education, but it was more painful watching Dean give everything he could to make sure that Sam was well taken care of.

Every instinct told him to comfort Dean when he couldn’t sleep due to hunger pains, because it was more important that Sam ate that night as well as the night before that.  Or when John came back to the motel drunk out of his mind and verbally tore Dean up one side and down the other for leaving Sam alone for more than a second. Of course the worst night had been when Sam had snuck out and Dean was left with bruises for a week. Castiel watched the vicious cycle continue for just over decade, which should have seemed like nothing to him, but instead watching Dean suffer felt like millennia.

And even if Dean’s soul never showed any sign of tarnish and never seemed to glow less bright, Dean’s vivid green eyes seemed to grow dimmer through the years. Which was why Bobby Singer was a godsend, he took one look at the boys and told John that enough was enough it was time the boys got to have a real life.

Of course John hadn’t agreed easily, but in the end with a few threats from Bobby the boys began to put roots down in Sioux Falls and Castiel didn’t feel a constant worry or at least not like he used to.  John visited for a few days every couple months at first, but those few visits trickled down to even less.

And Castiel was content to watch Dean from Heaven once again; the child he had been assigned to was now 22 and any sign of a hard and bitter childhood was gone except for the bowing in Dean’s legs.  A small detail that didn’t take away from Dean’s good looks (Gabriel had certainly been right about that) in fact, Dean looked a lot like his mother. Only Dean was more than just a pretty face, he was also smart and good with his hands proven by the fact that he worked as a mechanic for Bobby and had yet to come across a car that he couldn’t fix. Even John seemed to be impressed when he last stopped by nearly five years ago and gave Dean the Impala before disappearing in a beat up truck.

It was also during those years that Castiel found he loved watching Dean work on cars and other side projects. He loved knowing all the little details about him, like how Dean loved to cook, hated a messy house, loved all pie, although his favorite was pecan followed by cherry then peanut butter silk, and how he had a lovely singing voice only choosing to go off key in front of Sam. At the thought of Sam, Castiel felt another rush of pride, even if he wasn’t the younger Winchester’s Guardian he was still happy to see Sam leave Sioux Falls to attend Stanford, mostly because Dean was happy to see that Sam grew-up just fine.

It seemed that life for the two Winchester boys was perfect, which was why Castiel felt sick four years later as he was once again forced to watch Dean’s life fall apart. It began with Sam losing his girlfriend, Jessica Moore, in a fire and dropping out of college as a result. Something twisting inside of Castiel as Dean struggled to comfort his brother who was on a downward spiral with no signs of turning around.

Only it didn’t end there, within a year Sam met Ruby and ran off with her, but not before a fight that ended with words that neither of them would ever be able to take back and Dean falling asleep with an empty bottle of whiskey in his hand. Months passed with no word from Sam, slowly turning into a year and Castiel was forced to watch Dean slip further a further into himself, green eyes dull unless he was drunk enough to start crying. It was painful to watch, something twisting inside Castiel that he couldn’t find words for. So instead he continued to watch Dean eat less and less, but drink more and more while blaming himself for everything that had gone wrong even if he had no control over any of it.

Then Sam returned, but only after an accidental overdose that left things between the two brothers tenser than ever and Dean more broken than before. He watched Bobby try and fail to convince Dean that it wasn’t his fault that it happened. Which paired with Dean unable to do more than take Sam to therapy and check his room created a very heavy atmosphere, the only silver lining seemed that Ruby was out of Sam’s life for good.

It was little comfort as Dean sat unmoving, face buried in his hands as Bobby once again tried to get through to him. It had weeks and Dean’s initial anger born from worry had quickly changed into self-blame and loathing. “I know you want to help but you can’t.” Gabriel’s voice was soft as he joined Castiel to watch the scene unfold.

“Fuck Bobby, this is my fault. I pushed him away, pushed him into leaving with Ruby. The things I said to him…fuck…I just…”Dean broke sobs tearing through his chest and Castiel spread his wings ready to leave, only stopped by the archangel grabbing his arm.

“It’s not your fault, boy. You had no way of knowing that this would happen.” Castiel’s heart broke as Dean shook his head, unwilling to believe that there was no way to prevent what had happened.

“I don’t want to hear it! Christ, just leave me alone.”  No further words were spoken as Dean stormed out of the house the keys to the Impala already in hand.  Castiel stood silent and tense as Dean drove for hours, finally stopping on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere. Even Gabriel seemed uneasy as Dean got out and sat on the Impala’s hood with a gun in one hand and a half-empty bottle of whiskey in the other. “Hey God, it’s me Dean Winchester,” a bitter chuckle escaped him, “I don’t even know if I actually believe in you to be honest. It’s a little hard to believe since my life has pretty much sucked ass and this is stupid.” Dean ran a hand through his short brown hair, taking a long swallow of whiskey before continuing. “But I don’t know what to do; all I think about is how much better everyone would be without me since I’m nothing more than a useless fuck-up.  And- I don’t want to die, I just don’t see another option and I’m tired. So fucking tired of feeling like this…I just...want it to be over.” Dean was crying now, silent tears falling down his cheeks, “I’d be nice if you could send a sign or a little help before I finish this bottle, because I think it’ll give me just enough courage to pull the trigger before I fuck anything else up.”

 

 


	2. I Feel So

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are two original characters, technically original characters, being introduced in this chapter, Beelzebub and Lauviah, I've done extensive research on the actual Fallen Angels Beelzebub and Lauviah so they are more based on the research than anything else. Hopefully you like them and they don't ruin or take away from the story.
> 
> On another note, Dean will be meeting Cass in the next chapter so you will have that to look forward to. I'm even considering doing that chapter from Dean's perspective.

_Sometimes_  
 _I wish I was smart_  
 _I wish I made cures for_  
 _How people are_  
 _I wish I had power_  
 _I wish I could lead_  
 _I wish I could change the world_  
 _For you and me_

_-“I Feel So” by Box Car Racer_

 

“Am I being punished?” The question escaped the angel before he realized that he had said anything, earning a startled look from Gabriel.

“What?”

Castiel was beginning to panic, watching Dean take long drags of the amber liquid, the archangel’s words from years ago bouncing around his head. _Dead before thirty._ “Why would God have us watch people who have done nothing wrong their entire lives suffer? It doesn’t make sense, no one deserves this. I have to do something Gabriel, there has to be something I can do, anything even if it would only keep him going for another week…just something.” It pained him to hear the desperation in his own voice, but that didn’t matter now, only Dean mattered.

“Go.”

 “What?”

“I’m saying that if he means that much to you, then go; I’ll cover your trip to Earth so Uriel doesn’t catch your ass breaking the rules.”

“Thank you.”  Castiel didn’t hold back when he reached Earth, knowing that Gabriel was keeping him blocked from any prying angels. He held on to his true form long enough to watch Dean drop the whiskey in favor of shielding himself from the bright light of celestial waves.  Green eyes going wide in confusion and fear as Castiel pulled himself into human form as he approached, the light fading completely once he reached out and touched two fingers to Dean’s temple, effortlessly catching the man’s crumbling form. By the time Gabriel arrived, Castiel had managed to get Dean back in the front seat of the Impala and had attempted to count the freckles that ran across his nose and cheeks.

 “Okay, how serious are you about this? Because, Dad isn’t around anymore, in fact he hasn’t been for quite some time which means no matter what he told me before he left; it does not matter to our brothers. If you get caught, you won’t just be banished, you will be killed.”

“What do you mean?” Castiel had tried his best not to sound shocked, but he knew his facial expression would give it away. There was no way to mask the effect Gabriel’s words had on him, but the archangel continued on, true to his nature as a messenger, not caring  if he had left slip Earth-shattering information and whoever had heard needed time to recover.

“Dad may have formed us out of the same fire and stardust, but He didn’t make us the same. He wanted Lucifer to be curious and intelligent, just as He wanted Michael to be obedient and loyal. In some ways He made some of us more human than others, made us free thinkers, gave us emotion and empathy. Others like Naomi, Uriel, Raphael, and even Michael don’t understand this and once Dad left they twisted everything to their advantage. They are the ones who threw Lucifer and his followers from Heaven, they are the ones who then decided that banishing them wasn’t enough and began to have them hunted down and killed.” Gabriel paused, locking eyes with Castiel before continuing, “You’ve always had loyalty, but you’ve always had doubt and that doubt has brought you here. The split decision that will change everything; are you going to stay? Or are you going to go straight back to Heaven and pretend this didn’t happen?”

It sounded too good to be true particularly with all of the information that he had been given to process. Had Heaven become so twisted and corrupted in the absence of their Father? When had He even left and for what possible reasons? The questions ran in to each other, tangling together and forming a puzzle that didn’t seem solvable. So instead Castiel brought his attention to the problem that he could solve, although he hadn’t given it much thought as to what he would do after he stopped Dean. The man was so broken with no sense of self-worth which meant there was a good chance that this wouldn’t be the last suicide attempt.  If he could stay and convince Dean of just how beautiful and worthy he was, how brilliant his soul was, how loved he was…well he could save Dean.  He would just have to pretend to be human and get close to Dean.

“I want to stay.” 

“Even if Freckles doesn’t love you back?”

“I don’t _love_ him, I just can’t stand seeing him suffer like this anymore, over things that he can’t control, and no one with a soul that bright should want to end their life when it is barely just beginning.” The way Gabriel looked at him, honey-brown eyes shining with something that he couldn’t quite identify, put Castiel on edge so be pushed forward. “I’m going to save him; that’s what a Guardian Angel should do. Besides, I don’t care about what happens to me as long as I get to see Dean have the happiness he deserves.”

A moment of silence passed between the two angels, before Gabriel smirked. “Alright, then you’re going to need help and I can’t keep popping in and out of here to make sure you’re keeping your ass covered. Lucky for you this isn’t my first rodeo.” Before Castiel could even ask what Gabriel had meant, the archangel snapped his fingers a tall thin man with short dirty blond hair and fine lines at the corners of his steel blue eyes appeared.

The man or angel looked over to Gabriel before speaking; accent rather unexpected, “I’m not going to like the explanation behind this, am I?” Then he turned to Castiel eyes darting over to Dean and back again, “I thought angels were done falling for humans and to be honest I’m a bit surprised to see you in this situation, pleasantly surprised of course.”

“I could say the same to you Balthazar and I haven’t fallen,” Castiel growled in return at his old friend, wondering just how many angels had turned their backs on Heaven. Even if what Gabriel had told him was the truth it still made him angry to think that his brothers and sisters would go against Father’s wishes.

“Alright, settle down, we’ve got a few details to hammer out and we’re burning moonlight. “ Gabriel sounded annoyed which was one thing that Castiel had thought would be impossible. “I called because you happen to be an old pro at dodging Heaven’s radar and Castiel needs to be able to keep an eye on his boy toy.”

“I’d love to help personally, but I’m afraid I still have my halo and would like to keep it that way. However, I do know someone who might be willing to help,” Balthazar smirked turning to the younger angel. “You don’t mind hanging out with a few rebels who just happen to be at the top of Heaven’s Most Wanted List, right?”

Castiel looked over at Dean once more, taking in the dark circles under the man’s eyes, and how not even an hour ago Dean had been ready to take his own life. “I only care about keeping Dean safe.” Because in the end, he wasn’t turning his back on Heaven, he wasn’t rebelling, and he wasn’t going to fall because of a human. Because no matter what Gabriel had said, their Father would not have abandoned them, would not have allowed Michael and the others to twist Heaven the way they did. This was only temporary.

The sound of wings announced Balthazar’s departure and Gabriel turned on his brother once more, “You’re positive you want to do this? Because there is no going back at this point, if any of the other angels catch you interfering at this point, I can guarantee you’ll be killed.”

“We’re not supposed to let our presence be known, as long as Dean thinks I’m a human then my presence isn’t exactly known is it?” Something changed in Gabriel’s expression, but the archangel didn’t comment which Castiel was thankful for.

The silence lasted only a second longer before Balthazar returned, “As long as you secure her a quiet little bookstore in town and move her pre-existing inventory, there shouldn’t be a problem, although she did recommend adding a café if you wanted double the security.”

Gabriel snapped his fingers and the Castiel blinked the road they had been standing in was gone, replaced by four walls, bookshelves and boxes, “Done.”

“What about Dean?”

“The sheriff received an anonymous call about a 67 Impala parked on the road about two minutes ago.” A woman answered stepping out from behind one of the many shelves with a stack of books in her arms; she was short, a bit on the heavier side with pale skin and long dark brown hair falling just past her shoulders. “Hello Castiel.”

“Lauviah?” He stared in shock at the former angel standing in front of him; Lauviah had been one of the four angels that planted the Tree of Knowledge in the Garden of Eden.  She had been thrown from Heaven for allowing Lucifer in to the Garden and then joining him in his rebellion.

“We can take it from here, Gabriel.”  Another figure joined them also coming out from behind of the shelves, a tall well-built man with dark skin and even darker eyes, which Castiel recognized as Beelzebub stood almost protectively behind Lauviah.

“Don’t think I won’t be checking in on you crazy kids.” Gabriel winked before taking off leaving him with the other three.

“I suppose I should get going myself, but one thing first.” Balthazar reached out, finger tips pressing into Castiel’s wrist leaving a burning sensation as he pulled away. “That’ll keep your grace hidden, but if you do use your grace the spell will shatter and alert Heaven to your whereabouts. Now if you need me, hesitate to call.” Then he was left with the two former angels. ,.

“Well, I guess we should start setting up, Gabriel did a lot of work in covering the sudden existence of a bookstore and I’d hate to see that work thrown away.” Lauviah set the books down on the counter before turning to face him, “You’re really serious about this? Hiding from Heaven so you can protect one human who doesn’t even know that you exist.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to understand, considering why you fell.”

“You were a fledging when I fell; therefore you do not why I fell and nothing that our brothers and sisters told you, would even be close to the truth. There’s a lot you’re going to have to learn beyond learning how to act human, baby boy.” Castiel nearly growled at the nickname, but settled on a glare as Lauviah shoved a box of books into his arms. “Now the sooner we get set up, the sooner you can check in on your human.”

They worked in silence for the first hour, Castiel lost in thought over his decision.  He hadn’t been thinking when he decided to save Dean and he certainly hadn’t fully thought about the after. All he knew was that he had done the right thing in stopping Dean, just like he knew it wasn’t right for him to watch Dean suffer from the sidelines. Everything else now was shrouded in layers of doubt and Gabriel had even said that he had always had doubt, doubt that he was just now beginning to notice. He looked over to Beelzebub and Lauviah, they moved in tandem, in such a way that it seemed like they would bump or crash into each other, but instead, they would glide over, never touching once.  It made him think about the stories told in Heaven about the angels that fell, in comparison to what Gabriel had told him earlier.

“Why are you helping me?”

“In the general sense or more of a why are we, specifically, helping you?” Beelzebub paused, but Lauviah continued as if she hadn’t heard him.

“Both, I guess.”

“Well, I’d have to start with the fact that there aren’t many of us fallen angels on Earth, most tend to stay in Hell with Lucifer, where it’s probably the safest and that means that the ones in Hell are either working diligently or too scared to walk Earth. So that left which ever ones where on Earth, who were then narrowed down by who still keeps connect with full-fledged angels, then to the ones with a soft spot for humanity and a lot of regret, which got you to us.”

Castiel was pleasantly surprised when Lauviah cut in, she had actually been listening. “In other words, we’re helping you because we wanted to and everyone is either too busy or too scared.”

“And you’re not scared?”

A deep laugh escaped Beelzebub, but Lauviah went silent, “It’d be stupid not be scared, but I figure if I get caught, I won’t go down without a fight and when I get killed, at least I’ll know that I died doing the right thing.”


	3. Forbidden Fruit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean wakes up after being touched by an angel, spills his guts to Bobby and Sam which results in a trip to new bookstore/cafe in town called Forbidden Fruit, where Dean meets a man with the bluest eyes he has ever seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is all about Dean, Castiel comes in at the end however they don't do much talking. That's for the next chapter.

_If I could tell the truth_  
Or lie would I attempt the two at the same time  
Expect you to apologize for trying 

_“In a Lose, Lose Situation” Emery_

Dean awoke to Sheriff Mills tapping insistently on the window of the Impala, the early morning sunlight revealing the deep concern on her face and he didn’t waste any time rolling down the window.

“Good morning Sheriff.”

“Finding you has been the only good thing about it, if it hadn’t been for an anonymous tip last night, Sam was going to declare you missing.”

“That kid worries too much; I just had too much to drink and wasn’t going to risk driving home.” It was a pathetic attempt to lie on his part, the expression on Sheriff Mill’s face made it clear that she wasn’t buying what he was trying to sell. Although the drinking part had been all truth, had just about finished off the whiskey, he had been moments away from blowing his brains out when a bright light had appeared, nearly blinding him, then as it faded there was something else, but his mind drew a blank except for the color blue. It was unnerving; maybe he had imagined it and chickened out, crawling back into the car before passing out.

“Then let’s get you back home so Sam can stop worrying.” He wanted to tell her that he was fine and didn’t need an escort back to Bobby’s but he knew better than say anything as his stomach started to twist with guilt.

“You lead I’ll follow.”  She seemed satisfied with that answer and made her way back to her car and soon he was right behind her on the road, trying to figure out what he had been thinking last night and what had actually happened.  Even if Sam didn’t see right through him, then Bobby would, and how do you look the man who was practically your father in the eye and say that you had almost killed yourself, but only _almost_ because somehow you managed to screw that up as well.

Unfortunately, Metallica did nothing to calm his nerves as they pulled in front of the house, where Bobby and Sam stood. Bobby was as unreadable as ever, but Sam’s expression was a mix of concern and fury.

“You’re going to be putting in extra hours for making us worry, idjit” Bobby said to him the minute he was out of the car, but the older man’s turned his attention went to Jody before he could reply, “Thanks for finding him, Jody. We were starting to get worried.”

The attention wasn’t off him for long, Sam stepping in front of him as he reached the porch, “Where did you even go? I think I checked every bar in town, hell; I even called Ellen to see if you turned up at the roadhouse. ”

“I just needed some alone time, okay?  Drove for a few hours, got drunk, and passed out in the front seat. Not exactly that big of a deal.” And Sam wasn’t buying it for a second, lips pressed into a thin line. Dean fought back a long suffering sigh as he rubbed his face, “Can you give me the bitchface after I take a shower?”

“I’m just glad to see you home in one piece; I don’t know what I would do without you, Dean.” If he hadn’t felt guilty before, he sure as hell felt it now. Dean couldn’t find the words to respond; his throat tightened and he decided to push past his moose of a younger brother instead of even trying to say anything.

Fifteen minutes later and he felt sick and disgusted with himself, the hot water pouring over him doing little to relieve his tense muscles. It wasn’t fair; it was his fault that Sam had gotten in to drugs (nearly dying as a consequence) and when he tried to do the right thing and take himself out of the picture, well who knew what had actually happened.  Nevertheless, he was still alive and had yet again made everything worse. Of course what really made it worse was that not only was Jody now involved, but Ellen and most likely Jo, the three wonderful women who didn’t need to be dragged in to his mess.

However he couldn’t hide in the shower forever and as the water began to run cold Dean knew it was almost time to face the music. After taking his time drying off and getting dressed, Dean made his way down the steps, his stomach doing flips as Bobby and Sam looked up at him.

“It’s time we had a talk son, and this time there’s no running away. So why don’t you sit down and explain why you drove out to the middle of nowhere with only a bottle of whiskey and a gun for company?” 

“It’s not what you think.”

“Then what is it Dean? What other possible explanation could there be?” The anger faded from Sam’s voice replaced by a much softer tone, “Why would you even want to…kill yourself?”

“Look Sam, I was in a bad place and I was drunk and I wasn’t thinking.  It was stupid and selfish” Dean was beginning to panic, the words spilling from his mouth, “but I just wish that you would realize that it’s my fault, I pushed you away.  I fucked up and you nearly died Sammy, you would be better off without me. ”

“Christ, Dean the drugs were not your fault. That was all me being stubborn; I chose to not listen to you about Ruby. I cut you out my life and nearly died, that’s why I came back, why I got help. Because I realized what I said and did were wrong, I need you Dean. You’re my big brother.” If Dean had felt bad before, he felt even worse now. He was also starting to feel anxious, clenching and unclenching his hands, fighting off his urge to run and take a sledgehammer to an old junker car outback. Everything screaming in him that this was wrong, that what Sam was saying was wrong and he could already see the guilt building in his brother’s hazel eyes. Sam was going to start blaming himself, thinking that he drove his older brother to become suicidal.

Bobby was quick to intervene, “Let’s just put a pin in that for now, because I don’t think this is going to go anywhere beyond you two blaming yourselves for everything that has happened lately. Now Dean, this isn’t going to be easy for me to ask, but was last night a one-time thing or are we going to have worry if you’re going to come back alive every time you run off? And take your time answering.” A heavy silence rested over the three of them as Dean thought about other times he had gotten so low, he had thought about suicide then, but he had never made any plans. But last night even though he had no idea what had stopped him, he had gotten close and he hadn’t exactly planned it either.

Finally he spoke his voice breaking slightly as the tears he had been fighting back finally fell, “You might have to worry.” And at those words both Sam and Bobby’s faces fell in such a way that Dean’s heart didn’t just break it shattered.

“Would you consider going to counseling?” Sam asked hesitantly and Dean couldn’t bring himself to say no or that talking about feelings was for chicks, because he had to at least try for his little brother and maybe if he failed then Sam would see that he was better off without him.

“Since that’s settled, how about a nice greasy breakfast? And then you can give me your opinion on an old Pontiac that came in.” Dean couldn’t help but feel slightly relieved that the conversation was at least over for the time being. 

The next few days however, gave no further relief, both Bobby and Sam were careful around him to the point where he was prepared to point out that Sam was a recovering junkie and Bobby was on the road to becoming an alcoholic and therefore some degree of fucked up as well, even if not to the same degree of fucked up that he was. He still smiled, laughed, joked around, and if he just happened to lose a pound he didn’t say anything about it. Just like Sam and Bobby didn’t push when he didn’t go back for seconds at dinner one night, everything was fine because he was in control.

“Could you stop looking at me like I’m going to slit my wrists any second, Sammy?” Dean finally snapped throwing his latest copy of Busty Asian Beauties down on the couch next to him in frustration.

“I’m sorry, Dean but how do you want me to look at you? Finding out about your suicidal thoughts makes it a little hard to not worry about you. Although maybe now you know how I feel when you start looking at me like I’m going to find the nearest drug den.” He couldn’t stop the flinch that came after Sam’s words and worse Sam saw the flinch, “Shit, I’m sorry Dean.  Maybe we’ve just been cooped up too long; Madison told me about this new bookstore in town, maybe we should go check it out.”

“Two things, who’s Madison? And dude, a bookstore?”

“Madison is the receptionist at the place I go for my therapy and there’s also a café where they supposedly have the best apple turnovers in existence.”  Now that sounded like it would be worth the trip, Dean was never one to turn down the opportunity for pie or anything pie-like.

“Alright in care you forgot, driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole.” Sam rolled his eyes, but soon they were out the door and for a moment it felt like old times again, Dean even belted out “Godzilla” on key as they drove into town.

“This looks like the place.” Once glance at the sign in the front and Dean had to roll his eyes as they entered the store/cafe, the sweet combination of cinnamon and books filling the air.

“Forbidden Fruit? It sounds like some tacky sex shop.”

“Actually, it’s a reference to the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil found in the Garden of Eden.” A gruff voice caught Dean’s attention and he turned to see who spoke, the sharp remark dying on his tongue as he found himself looking at the bluest eyes he had ever seen.  He could have sworn he had seen those eyes before and-

_“Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face/The kind you'd find on someone I could save…”_

“Lauviah, could you kindly turn that down?” The man who had been in the middle of wiping down a small table spoke and Dean still couldn’t get over how low his voice was or how blue those eyes were. So he focused instead on how odd the store was to the left was the café decorated in red, black, and grey, very modern and sleek. However, to the left the bookstore began, with dark cherry shelves filled with books and displays that were decorated with various types of apples. Actually apples seemed to be everywhere, in different colors and sizes, and in Dean’s opinion it came across as not only tacky but also overkill.

“Sorry, Baby Boy, I didn’t realize we had any customers.” A woman came out from behind one of the shelves just as another man came out from the depths of the kitchen to around the other side of the counter. The look on the blue-eyed man’s face looked similar to the face Sam used to make at being called ‘Sammy’ and he couldn’t help but smile. “Welcome to Forbidden Fruit, I’m the owner, Lauviah, if there’s anything you need help finding or anything you need don’t hesitate to ask me, Castiel, or Beelzebub.” The woman or Lauviah motioned to the dark skinned man standing in front of the counter and Dean couldn’t help but wonder what was up with the biblical theme going on.

Sam spoke up before he even had a chance to ask, “Actually I was hoping to find a specific book for a friend of mine.”

“Let’s see if we have what you’re looking for.” Lauviah glanced at Beelzebub and in that half second it seemed like the two had a full conversation before her and Sam disappeared into the forest of shelves.

“How about you? Just looking or looking for something specific?” Beelzebub asked drawing his attention, but he couldn’t help but look to Castiel, who seemed to be staring at him.

“You know I was wondering if the apple turnovers were as good as I heard they were.”

“Depends on what you heard.”

“That they were some of the best in existence.”

“They’re not bad, take a seat; I’ll have Castiel take care of you.” Dean noticed how tense Castiel became and wondered if there was a problem. The way the man looked at him made him uneasy and he was even more uneasy at the fact that he couldn’t shake the feeling that he had seen or knew Castiel from somewhere else.


	4. How Far Would You Go?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel and Dean discuss Frankenstein, which leads to Castiel questioning the strange new feelings he has around Dean and it turns out that angels like to wear pajamas and curl up together in nests made out of pillows and blankets.

_Coordinate brain and mouth._  
Then ask me what’s it like to have  
Myself so figured out.  
I wish I knew…

_“Okay I Believe You, But My tommy Gun Don’t” –Brand New_

Castiel found he didn’t mind staying with the two fallen angels, Lauviah reminded him of Gabriel in many ways and Beelzebub had a calm demeanor that made him easy to get along with. The two also took the time to help him adjust and understand the ways of humans; however that was a slow progress, since he was normally distracted by his worry over Dean.

At least it was until Dean walked into the shop and met his eyes. He could see the regret, guilt, and self-loathing and it was painful to see just how broken Dean was. Broken, but not beyond repair because as always Dean’s soul was burning bright and if he thought it had been beautiful before, seeing it up close without any distractions practically left him breathless. He vaguely heard Beelzebub tell him to get Dean a fresh turnover and black coffee, and did so, instinct from years of following orders causing him to move automatically, while silently cursing his older siblings for leaving him with the human.

It was ridiculous, he was still a guardian angel and Dean was still his charge. Everything he was doing now was for Dean so there was no reason to be nervous. Yet, he wasn’t approaching Dean as an angel; he was supposed to be playing human. This was the one situation that he was clueless about, even though Lauviah and Beelzebub had gone over what was appropriate to say and what wasn’t.

“I don’t want to come across as rude, but is your name really Castiel or is it all part of the religious motif this place has going?” The question pulled him from his thoughts as he filled a white mug with coffee, he hesitated a moment, moving to plate an apple turnover.

“It’s really Castiel; my family was- is deeply religious.” He quickly corrected himself as he recalled the cover story that Beelzebub had fabricated several days ago. A story that wasn’t too far from the truth, he was staying with his older sister until he could get on his own two feet after getting out from under their overbearing, over controlling family.

“Sounds complicated.” Castiel fought back a laugh as he served Dean, the man was more right in his assumptions than he realized. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome and it is complicated, very complicated actually.” He went back to cleaning tables, trying to ignore the obscene sounds that Dean was making.

“I think I found Heaven.”

“I’ll be sure to pass the compliment on to my sister.”

“Think you could get me the recipe?” He knew Dean wasn’t serious in his request, but found he couldn’t stop himself from responding. This was his first opportunity to actually speak to Dean, hold a conversation with him after years of forced silence.

“I could actually, out of all my siblings, Lauviah has always been the one most inclined to share, and while Gabriel can be quite generous it’s only when the mood suits him.”

“Sounds like you come from a big family.”

“Big isn’t the best descriptor, but it does work.” Big was really an understatement, he was one of hundreds of angels that still remained part of Heaven and there were hundreds of others that had fallen or unaccounted for still in existence. “What about you? Do you come from a big family?”

“Not really, it’s just me and Sammy and Bobby, who practically raised us.” Castiel nodded out of politeness, he knew all about Dean and his family and how tragedy seemed to follow them like a shadow.

“What about your parents?” It was a cheap shot, going for a wound that hadn’t healed, but Castiel had heard that humans were more inclined to reveal personal details to strangers and even if Dean wasn’t a stranger to him, he was a stranger to Dean.

“I lost my mom when I was young, around four and as for my dad, I have no idea where he is, haven’t seen or heard from him in years.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Don’t be, he was a lousy father anyway.”

“At least you knew him, I never really knew my father and what I know about him I heard from my older brothers, at least the ones who are still around.”

Dean laughed, but it was humorless, full of disbelief, “You weren’t joking when you said it was complicated. So a less loaded question, do all of your siblings have such angelic names?”

 “Yes and my oldest brother Michael was the most fortunate.”

“Who was the least?”

“Many would be inclined to say my second oldest brother, Lucifer, would be the least. I never met him; I only heard stories so I can’t say if the name suits him.” Dean looked to him for more information and Castiel was more than happy to give it to him. “What I do know about him was that he was rebellious, something deeply frowned upon in my family. So he was…disowned. However, others in my family like Lauviah took a stand for Lucifer and ended up getting disowned as well. It was an ugly confrontation to say the least, although I vaguely recall Michael saying that just because you think that you’re doing the right thing, doesn’t mean that you are.” He didn’t care repeat what Michael had actually said, the archangel had been not only angry but bitter at the loss of so many angels.

“Reminds me of _Interview with a Vampire_ where evil is a point of view.” Castiel felt his face scrunch in confusion as he cocked his head to the side. “Dude, don’t tell me you work in a bookstore and have never read Interview with the Vampire. You didn’t even watch the movie?” The moment of swapping personal stories was over, Castiel could feel it shatter and get replaced with something that felt strangely more intimate.

“I was rather isolated until recently.”

“Well Cass, we’ll have to fix that.”

“Cass?”

“Sorry, if you just want me to call you Castiel, I will. Just thought that Cass rolled off the tongue a bit easier.”

“No, Cass is fine, I like Cass.” He couldn’t look away and it seemed that Dean didn’t have any intention of breaking eye contact either and they fell into a comfortable silence. At least until he heard Lauviah and Sam enter the café and he looked away from those gorgeous green eyes to see that his sister had filled Sam’s arms with books.

“Sorry I couldn’t find exactly what you were looking for; I’d have to call my sister to see if she has it in stock.”

“Don’t worry about it; this was more than helpful already.”

“Still if I can find it I’ll let you know.”

“Thanks that would be great.”

“If there’s anything else, just let me know.” Lauviah smiled and looked over at him with an apologetic expression before returning to her usual place lurking among the tall bookshelves.  While he silently made his way to the counter to get the bill ready, trying to ignore the tight feeling in his chest. Dean had looked so joyous moments ago, his smile reaching his eyes unlike in the past.

“Hey Dean you ready?” 

“Yeah, just let me get the bill.” He tried to smile as Dean approached the counter because he didn’t know how long it would be before he got to see him again, before he got to talk to him again, because watching Dean was nothing compared to actually talking to him. Or being close to him and actually see the emotion flicker across his face and flash in those almost too green eyes. “I guess we’ll have to continue our talk another time, hopefully you can brush up on your pop culture in the meantime.” Dean was smiling again; it was a small smile but a real smile none the less and Castiel couldn’t help but return it.

“To be honest I wouldn’t even know where to begin, this is very new to me.”

“Maybe I could teach you some of the finer points of the classics.”

“I would like that, very much.”

Dean signed the two recipes and slid the copy and pen back to Castiel. “Later, Cass.”

“Have a pleasant evening, Dean.” He wasn’t certain that Dean heard him, but it didn’t matter because Dean was back the next day and then the day after that. Until it was nearly a daily occurrence to see Dean walk through the door of Forbidden Fruit.

“So let me get this straight, you’re telling me that the real monster in _Frankenstein_ wasn’t the monster, but instead was Dr. Frankenstein.” The look Dean was giving him was nothing short of scandalized as if Castiel had told him they were out of turnovers.

“Is that so hard to believe?”

“Uh, yeah, because the monster was a murderous walking collection of corpses and Frankenstein hadn’t intended to make a serial killer out of dead people to begin with. At the most you can say the guy had a serious God-complex.”

“Then by that logic the story is simply a cautionary tale that humanity should not attempt to play God however humanity continues to do so. Therefore I believe there was another message, that even the kindest of people can become monsters if that they have to, it’s also a reflection of how petty people can be.”

“I can buy the whole “petty” thing, but the whole forced to become a monster? Nah.”

“Maybe not everyone would become a monster, but there is at least one thing for every person in the world, for which they would do anything for. Whether it’s for their own survival or for the survival of someone they care about.” Dean was silent for a moment and Castiel could see that he was thinking, letting the words set in.

“When you put it like that, I can’t disagree because I know I would do anything for Sammy.” Silent hung over them, Castiel wasn’t sure how to respond recalling the years he spent watching Dean starve himself to that Sam could eat or the beatings he would take in Sam’s place. “So Cass, is there someone in your life that you would do anything for?”

The question caused him to freeze, because he had only thought that he would stay hidden long enough to put Dean back together, but now he wasn’t so sure. “I don’t know, I never really thought about it before.” He finally answered, wondering if he would be willing to fall for Dean if for some reason the need arose.

“Well if you ever find that person, I hope they realize how damn lucky they are.” The conversation ended when another patron signaled that they wanted a refill and Dean left soon after, claiming that he had to stop at the store to pick things for dinner. Which Castiel was relieved for, unable to stop thinking about what Dean had said. 

He still felt off as he closed up and did a quick inventory for Beelzebub, who had business in Hell to deal with, before making his way up to the second floor where they lived. He made his way to the main bedroom where Lauviah and Beelzebub slept when they burned through what energy they still retained after the fall.

“Hey Baby Boy, what’s with the sad face?” Lauviah’s voice was unusually soft as she looked up from the book she had been reading, curled up among the dozens of pillows and blankets covering the king-sized bed.

Castiel chewed his bottom lip for a moment, still unable to comprehend what had happened earlier. “I don’t understand what I’m feeling, I used to be so certain of what I was doing, but now…I just feel lost.”

The reaction was immediate; Lauviah set her book aside and swung her legs over the side of the bed, her whole body tense and eyes wide with concern. “Come here, we can talk about it while I groom your wings.” The offer startled him, it had been years since another angel had touched his wings, let alone offer to groom them. “But get in to some pajamas first.” He did as he was told and changed in the bathroom, thinking about when she had taken him shopping for clothes and told him that he’d thank her later when she shoved several t-shirts and pajama pants into the cart, she had been right since he had taken to wearing them on Sundays when the store was closed and they watched movies in the living room. When he returned to the bedroom he found that Lauviah had rearranged the bed to resemble a nest so when she patted the bed Castiel didn’t hesitate to join her, crossing his legs and sitting in front of her before relaxing and allowing his wings to form on this plane of existence. He waiting for Lauviah to say something, instead she began to sing softly in Enochian, her fingers running through his feathers and for a moment he felt like a fledging again and the feeling calmed him greatly.

After sometime Lauviah began to speak, “For the record, the knowledge that God gave me upon my creation was useless, the angels in Heaven at the time didn’t need it, they probably still don’t. Humanity on the other hand, was practically helpless, doomed to die. In fact they probably still are.” Lauviah paused, her fingers barely grazing his covert feathers in effort to straighten them. “Do you know what happens to someone when they are desperate? They get creative and brave and often stupid. So when humanity was on the edge of life or death even in the very beginning, they just needed the pieces of the puzzle, because they could put the pieces together, they always could. So why wouldn’t God just give them the pieces to begin with? Why would He let them wander naked, cold, and starving? I spent years wondering why, questioning everything that I had been told and knew. Even after I fell, I couldn’t understand why God would turn his back on us, have us thrown from Heaven because we either wanted to help humans or we fell in love with them.”

Her fingers moved to the next section of feathers. “Did you ever stop wondering?”

“Ultimately no, but after some time I believed it was part of His plan, that He had always intended for some of us to be different, for some of us to fall.”

“If that’s true, then God always meant for Dean to suffer the way he has for years, but for what reason? So that I would lose my faith in everything that I was told in Heaven?”

“I don’t know what God planned, to be honest, I’m not even sure if Him leaving was part of the plan or if He just got tired of it all. What I do know is that you were put in a desperate situation and you could have let Dean die that night, but you didn’t. So why is that?”

“At the time, it wasn’t right. How could a guardian stand back and not lift a finger to help their charge? Even if Death claims all in the end, there was no logical reason for Dean to die that night, thinking that he deserved to, that everything that happened was his fault. But now I believe my motivation for saving Dean has changed and I’m not sure that I’m doing the right thing. I think that I would even fall for him, if I had to.”

“It sounds like you love him.”

“Is that possible? For an angel to love just one human?” Castiel thought about it, what love meant in terms of angels, in terms of humans and even Lucifer had loved humanity over one human. Yet, Gabriel had said that they hadn’t been created equally and even Lauviah seemed to believe that it had been intentional. At the time he made his decision to stay, he had thought that he would be able to save Dean and not get involved in the tangled mess caused by God’s absence. But now that seemed unavoidable, perhaps he was different as Gabriel had said. It was possible that what he was feeling for Dean was love and if he was then this was no longer about putting Dean back together.

“I don’t know, I didn’t fall out of love, but it wouldn’t be the strangest thing to happen.” She finished preening and Castiel went to leave, but was stopped by her grabbing his wrist. “Why don’t you try sleeping tonight, it’ll give you some peace even if temporary.” He agreed, finding that he enjoyed sleeping from the three times he had done it during his time there (although he had always slept alone) and turned out the light before crawling into the makeshift nest next to her, feeling like a fledging for the second time that night, even more so when he heard the tale-tale rustle of feathers before a warm wing settled over him.

And if he dreamed of falling that night he would blame it on the sharp smoky scent that came from the wing draped over him.


	5. Call Me a Safe Bet, I'm Betting I'm Not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean suffers through an embarrassing and uncomfortable conversation topic at breakfast, everyone at Forbidden Fruit is having a bad day, and Dean may or may not have asked Cass out on a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick reminder that my tumblr, (crystalvolcheck.tumblr.com) is where I post updates, sneak previews, and progress reports on all ongoing stories both here and on ff.net. I also post/reblog other fandom related items every now and then, but more importantly my ask box is always open and I do accept prompts and requests.

 

_Now your life is broken, revolves around love._

_No love of yourself but the love you have lost._

_We said desperation is lonely despair._

_You don't love yourself, you've got no love to share._

“Cry” – The Used

Dean was the second one to get up in the house or at least he used to be the second person up. Ever since he met Cass at Forbidden Fruit he had taken to getting up earlier so he would have time to stop by the small café for a muffin and coffee before work. The change in routine had only led to him being late once in all the years he had worked for Bobby; he had quickly learned that if it was a close call between being on time or showing up late for work, to stop at Forbidden Fruit on his way home.  Although that didn’t happen often, Beelzebub always had his order ready in the mornings, but if he did stop in the evening Lauviah would always have a turnover ready for him, still no matter what time he stopped in Cass was always the one waiting for him at the counter.

 It struck Dean a few days back that he may have started to develop a “crush” on Cass for lack of a better word. He certainly thought the man was attractive, piercing blue eyes and messy black hair, but it was the small details and quirks that drew him to Cass.  There was just something oddly endearing about him, the way he spoke and took things sometimes too literary. The way he would tilt his head at a reference he didn’t understand seemed like a complete contradiction to the way he would made snarky comments and deadpan remarks.

 Of course none of that compared to the conversations they had, discussing beliefs, morals, and classic literature. It was clear that Castiel was highly intelligent and it made Dean wonder just how the man ended up working in his older sister’s shop. It was also clear that he was hiding something, family was certainly a touchy subject at times, but Dean understood that all too well. The mystery surrounding Cass had Dean wanting to know more, wanting to get to know everything about the man. Just like he wanted to tell Cass more tell him everything, it was like some strange pre-existing connection between them had been awakened and that was one terrifying thought.

 He pushed that thought as well as a few others to the back of his mind and made his way downstairs to start breakfast since it was his day off. Halfway through frying bacon, Bobby joined him in the kitchen; it was silent other than Bobby’s brief “Good morning.” It wasn’t until Dean was flipping the last batch of pancakes that Sam came down to join them.

 “So are you going to go visit your boyfriend today?” Dean tried not to flinch at the word, it was to juvenile sounding and he didn’t know if Cass was in to guys or anything for that matter.

 “You really shouldn’t try to piss off the person cooking your food.”

 Sam elbowed his back lightly as he passed to get coffee. “What’s the worst you could do?”

 Before Dean could respond Bobby spoke, “If I may interrupt; I do have a book order that needs picked up. So if you are going to go into town to see this Cass I’ve been hearing about, you can also make yourself useful.”

 “You know I don’t go just to see Cass right? Vi has some serious baking skills and an even better taste in music.”

 “But she’s not the one you make doe eyes at; I thought I would have to shut your mouth for you when you first saw Cass, pretty sure your jaw touched the floor.” Dean set his brother’s plate down with a little more force than necessary, mouthing the word Nair at him before setting down Bobby’s plate and going back to grab his own.

 Several minutes of silence passed, only being broken by the sound of breakfast being eaten, at least until Bobby spoke up. “You know we don’t care if you’re gay, right boy? All that matters is that you’re happy, getting treated right, and…staying safe of course.” Dean fought back the urge to stab himself in the neck with a fork to end the awkwardness of the conversation before it had a chance to start. Bobby was like a father to him and his sexuality was one topic that he would love to avoid discussing at the kitchen table, even more so with his younger brother in the room.

 “I’m not gay.”

 “Dean…”

 “No Sammy, if you have to put a label, I’m bi. Sorry you missed my big gay panic a few years back, but it’s not the reason why I haven’t asked Cass out.” Bobby and Sam looked at him expectantly and he wanted nothing more than to crawl in a hole and die. “I don’t even know if he’s interested in guys, besides he doesn’t need to get involved with someone like me.”

 “Just because you have some issues doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to try being happy Dean. You said you were going to start counseling to deal with…” Sam trailed off for a moment and Dean shifted uncomfortably.

 “I am going to start as soon as I find someone who isn’t a total dick.” That was true, he had tried going to a few different psychologists already, but ended up leaving halfway each time because he either felt worst or got pissed off. “But until then, I don’t want to end up hurting anyone else.”

 “Are you sure it’s not that you’re afraid that you’re going to get hurt instead?” That was a low-blow from Bobby because the man knew that he had let someone get close enough once, but as soon as he had started to open up to her…Dean slammed the door shut on that memory _hard_.  “Everyone has their problems and baggage, boy. Don’t forget that.”

 “Whatever, I’ll leave when I’m finished and get your books.” There was more malice in his voice than intended, but both Sam and Bobby at picked at a touchy subjects and even though they hadn’t done so with ill intentions, it still made his skin itch.  He didn’t even clear his plate, taking a few more half-hearted bites before standing and scraping what remained into the garbage in the kitchen.

 After a quick shower and getting dressed Dean was out the door hoping that his day would turn around in some way or another.  The drive to Forbidden Fruit seemed to take longer than usual, but that was mostly likely due to the anticipation of seeing Cass and getting to talk to him for more than five minutes.

 Something was off when he walked through the door and Dean wondered if something major had happened yesterday when he hadn’t been able to drop in at all. The small shop had barely opened fifteen minutes ago and there was no heavy scent of coffee or cinnamon in the air, which had always been present before.

“I swear on every name of Our Father I will cut your finger off if you stick it in that pie filling one more time Gabriel!” Dean raised his eyebrows at Lauviah’s comment and entered the cafe side of Forbidden Fruit in time to see her push a short man with cognac colored eyes and long blond hair that was slicked back out of the kitchen and around to the other side of the counter.

 “I was only trying to help; every kitchen needs a taste tester.” The man, Gabriel, Dean assumed that’s who it was, held his hands up in surrender before dropping them in favor of pulling a candy bar out of his apron pocket. Lauviah muttered something in another language Dean had never heard before, shaking her head in what could only be described as disgust.

 Clearing his throat Dean decided to make his presence known. “Did I come at a bad time?”

 “Sorry you have to see us like this, but Beelzebub had other business to attend to and I’m a little short staffed.”

 If Gabriel didn’t have a mouthful of candy Dean was sure that he would have had something to say about that.

 “You should appreciate that Gabriel even took the time from his busy schedule to help, even if he hasn’t done more than make a mess.” It was Cass who spoke and Dean swallowed as the man came from the kitchen, black hair wilder than he had ever seen it and clothes spattered with flour, there was even a smear cherry pie filling on his cheek bone. In simple terms, Cass was a mess and very hot mess at that, “Hello Dean.”

 Lauviah rolled her eyes muttering, “Busy schedule my ass,” under her breath before taking a napkin out of her apron pocket to wipe the filling off of Cass’s cheek. It was such as sweet move that reminded Dean of many similar occurrences between him and Sam when they were children.

 “So you’re the famous Dean I’ve been hearing about.” Gabriel has finished the candy bar, tossing the wrapper onto the counter with a smirk, “Now it is my responsibility as big brother to ask just what your intentions are with Cass?” Dean choked at the question, especially when he glanced over at Cass who seemed to be as embarrassed as he felt.

 “Gabriel, why don’t you unpack the shipment that came in last night? There should be a book from Salikotal for Dean’s brother in it.”

 “But sis, aren’t you worried about protecting Cass’s virtue?”

 “If you do not move your ass in the next two seconds I will deep fry you.” The calm tone in Lauviah’s voice caused a chill to run down Dean’s spine and a quick glance at Cass confirmed that this was not a side of his sister he was used to seeing. It seemed that Gabriel got the message and retreated to the other side of the shop, disappearing behind the towering bookshelves. “And throw your damn candy wrappers away!” She slumped then and Dean could see how tired  and frustrated she was and felt a pang of sympathy, thinking of all the times someone had called off at the garage and he had to work twice as hard to make sure certain things got done on time.

“I’m sorry you have to see us like this Dean, it’s been a chaotic two days.” Cass was talking again, having recovered from his older brother’s earlier statements fairly quickly and Dean noticed that he looked almost as worn as Lauviah.

 “Hey, it’s fine, but if there’s anything I could do to help, I’m more than willing to lend a hand.”

 “I appreciate the offer, but I think I might just close for the day. It’ll give me time to figure out what to do if Beelzebub doesn’t get back tomorrow.” Lauviah straightened, “In fact that’s exactly what I’m going to do, but let me get those books Bobby ordered. I’d hate to have you come all this way and go back empty handed, just wait here.” He watched her flip the sign on the door over before disappearing the same way Gabriel had, leaving him alone with Cass once again.

 “I know it’s really not any of my business, but is everything okay?”

 The man sighed and Dean started to see different side of Cass that he hadn’t seen before. “To be honest, I have no idea. Beelzebub left last night, didn’t say why he had to leave or when he’d be back and then Gabriel showed up in the middle of the night saying that he was going to stay for a while, but not why he was staying.” Cass paused meeting his eyes and Dean swore he felt all the air leave his lungs. “Can I tell you something, personal?”

 Dean thought about what Bobby had said earlier about everyone having secrets and baggage, but before he could respond, Lauviah returned with a large box of books in her arms, which she set down on the counter, “Okay Dean, you’re all set to go. There’s a book wrapped in brown paper somewhere in the bottom for Sam.”

 “Thanks Vi, take it easy today for me okay?”

 “No problem there. Cass why don’t you help Dean to his car and then take the day off, I’ll make Gabriel clean the kitchen later.” Lauviah said her goodbyes and disappeared once more as Cass picked up the box of books as if they weighed nothing, it seemed the man was stronger than he looked. Once outside and the books were loaded Dean couldn’t bring himself to leave quite yet, wanting to know what Cass had been going to tell him earlier, but the moment for that was gone.

 “So now that you have the day off, do you have any plans for later?” That earned him not only a chuckle from Cass, but an actual smile, the first that he had seen from the man today.

 “I was thinking about finding a liquor store and drinking it.”

 “That doesn’t sound too bad, but it’s better if you don’t drink alone.”

 “Are you volunteering to join me?”

 “Well I do know this great bar that’s not too far from here, we could get drunk, and stargaze on the hood of my Impala in the parking lot until one of us is sober enough to drive.” The last part slipped out before Dean realized what he had said and felt his stomach twist. He really was as smooth as chunky peanut butter, but to his surprise Cass didn’t laugh or freak out.

 “I’d like that actually.” There was a soft tone to Cass’s voice, one that he hadn’t really heard before and it made his heart ache.

 “Then I’ll swing by around seven?”

 “Seven it is.” It wasn’t until Dean was half-way home that it registered that he had in fact asked Cass out on a date, it was only a second later that the fact that Cass had agreed to it set in and only one thought ran through Dean’s mind. _Son of a bitch._


	6. Give Up Everything You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cass have their first date, possibly their first fight, and there may or may not be kissing involved.

_Do you care if I don't know what to say?_  
Will you sleep tonight, will you think of me  
Will I shake this off pretend it's all okay  
That there's someone out there who feels just like me  
There is

“There Is” –Box Car Racer

 

 The conversation was light as Dean drove, similar to many of the conversations they had had in the café, although in the privacy of the car Dean was more open to talking about his childhood, skipping over some of the rougher more grittier details that would have been easy to fill in even if Castiel hadn’t watched over Dean since he was born. Castiel even found himself telling Dean more about Gabriel and the other angels that he had actually been close enough with that calling them brother or sister was more for heartfelt reasons, rather than due to technicality.

 “So, some idiot caught the kitchen on fire where we were originally going to go, but I did promise booze and star gazing.” Dean explained as pulled over to the side of the road in the middle of nowhere and turned off the ignition. “If this makes you uncomfortable, we can just head back and catch a movie.” Castiel couldn’t help but smile, recognizing that Dean was just as nervous as he was. Once it had occurred to him that he was in fact going out on date with Dean he hadn’t been able to sit still or be quiet. Both Lauviah and Gabriel had threated to trap him in a circle of holy fire more than once; well Gabriel had threatened him with holy fire, Lauviah had been more creative in her threats since her patience had already been worn thin.

 “Its fine Dean, I didn’t think that you would actually take me star gazing.” An emotion flickered across Dean’s face too fast for him to identify so he pressed forward, “Besides my “people skills” are “rusty” so any place with a lot of people wouldn’t be the best idea.” A laugh escaped Dean; it was a rich deep sound that Castiel wanted to hear more often although he wasn’t quite sure why Dean was laughing.

  “No people skills, yet you’re a waiter, isn’t that some type of contraction?” Dean didn’t give him a chance to respond, “Never mind, you looked like you having a bad day earlier,” the man paused getting out of the car and Castiel followed, highly aware that they were completely alone and no other soul around for miles.

 “I believe that Lauviah was the one having a bad day, I’m quite used to Gabriel’s antics.” Castiel waited patiently for Dean to get the cooler from the trunk, accepting the beer that was offered when he came around to the front of the car, “Thank-you, for this and everything. It’s been a while since I got to sit and enjoy the stars.”

 “It’s no problem; I used to do this a lot, it’s more fun when you have someone with you, but any time I was having a bad day; I’d just go out for a drive, park in the middle of nowhere, and just watch the stars.”

  “Used to? What happened that you stopped?” Castiel knew the answer, but he wanted to hear it from Dean, wanted to know just how much Dean trusted him. For a moment it looked like Dean was going to speak, but the tense silence remained. “You don’t have to tell me, it was wrong of me to ask.”

 “No, it’s just. I hardly know you, even if in some ways I feel like I’ve always known you and this sounds creepy but I want to trust you. I actually want to tell you, everything, but it’s just the last time I felt that way about a person. Let’s just say they weren’t who I thought they were and they couldn’t handle who I was.” Castiel frowned as Dean downed almost half of his beer in one go, but he knew why. Lisa Braedan had broken Dean’s heart years ago, one of the few women that Dean had managed to get close to and have a relationship with. It had been an ugly split, with Lisa telling Dean that she couldn’t handle having someone so broken in her life, someone who was beyond help or repair.

 Once it was clear that Dean wasn’t going to say anything else Castiel began to speak, although he wasn’t sure what to say but maybe if he put all he could on the table Dean would see that he was in a similar situation, that he wasn’t alone after all because he now knew what it was like to be broken, because by Heaven’s standards he was. “You know, I can’t go home at least not after what I’ve done and not after I ran away.”

  “It’s hard to imagine you being a run-away or rebellious in any way.” A snort of disbelief came from Dean and he couldn’t help but smirk catching the man’s impossibly green eyes.

 “That’s what the few now ex-family members who helped me run-away said. I was the perfect child growing up, I never questioned anything I was told to do, always listened to what I was told, and most importantly I kept my options to myself…for the most part since Gabriel and Balthazar have both heard my true options on certain matters. Still, I thought I was perfect as well, that I would always be able to do what was expected of me, but then I met someone. Of course, I was forbidden to ever speak to him or see him.”

 “It didn’t work out that way did it?”

 “No, I couldn’t stay away from him and had an identity crisis. By my family’s standards there’s something wrong with me, I am flawed and broken. Something that I didn’t think was possible, not after years of praise for being a perfect example of what our father expected of us.” So many half-truths woven together and it was making Castiel sick as he spoke because of some reason the half-truths were more painful to say than outright lies.

 “So you ran-away, to figure things out.”

 “Yes.” _No._ The word nearly slipped out as Castiel wanted to tell Dean that he ran-away, defied Heaven to see him, to talk to him, to save him from the poisons thoughts that clouded his mind. “And I figured out that everyone is flawed and broken, that we were meant to be. It’s finding someone whose broken pieces fit together with yours.” As he spoke Dean’s eyes never left his, but there was doubt in Dean’s eyes and it was worried Castiel that maybe wouldn’t be able to convince the man of anything.

 “Cass, you can say that all you want, but-”Dean stopped, looking away and putting his head down. Castiel took a moment set his beer down, still untouched, before reaching out to place his unoccupied hand over Dean’s. The man tensed at first, but didn’t pull away and Castiel took the opportunity to lace their fingers together and give Dean’s hand a gentle squeeze. “Remember how I told you that Sammy had some problems some time ago?” Castiel only nodded afraid that speaking would shatter the moment. “Well a few weeks back, I uh, got low I guess, blamed myself for what happened to him. So I got drunk, drove out to the middle of nowhere and had planned to kill myself. I had no idea what stopped me, maybe I chickened out or maybe I just passed out before I was able to go through with it. Anyway, the sheriff found me in the morning, told Sam and Bobby, and I promised them that if I got that way again I would talk to them instead of driving to the middle of nowhere by myself.” Dean looked at the beer in his other hand with disgust before pouring it out and letting the bottle fall to the ground with a light thump.

 “Dean, I’m sorry.” And he was he wished he had come to Dean earlier, tried to help him sooner. He felt disgusted with himself and even more disgusted with Heaven.

 “No I should be apologizing, I really like you, but you don’t deserve to get involved with someone like me, because I’m broken in a way that can’t be fixed.”

 “I think it’s up to me to I decide who I want to get involved with Dean and I don’t care if you’re broken.” Dean pulled his hand away shaking his head.

 “Then I’m not worth it Cass, I’m not worth fixing, because no matter what I’ll find some way to fuck it up. I always find a way to fuck it up.” Heavy silence hung over them for a moment as Castiel tried to find the right words. He had no idea what to say, just like earlier when he constructed his elaborate tale of being a run-way just to fill the silence and try to earn Dean’s trust.

 “Remember the day when we were talking about _Frankenstein_ and you asked me if there was anyone in the world that I would do anything for?”

 “Yeah, you said you didn’t.”

 “Well I do and that person is you. I would do anything to convince you that you are worth everything and more. Because before I met you, I would have been able to go home.”

 Dean froze for a moment, eyes going wide in surprise before narrowing in suspicion. “I thought you said you ran-away.”

 “I did but only long enough to I convince myself that I was still the perfect son that I always was and then I was going to go back until I met you and realized that I was never that perfect son. That I had always doubted what I had been told, that I always questioned instructions.” Castiel paused seeing the guilt in Dean’s eyes at his poor word choice about not being able to return home and decided to try a softer tone moving closer to Dean and taking his hand once more, “I feel like I have known you for years, even though I’ve only known you a few weeks. I have told you things that I have never even told my own siblings. I don’t think that you’re broken beyond repair, I think that the fact that you’re still here after the life that you’ve had, shows how strong you are and if you didn’t get to pull the trigger that night isn’t a sign from God, then you have one hell of a guardian angel who needs to make up for some lost time.”

 A small smile graced Dean’s lips and they were close enough that their breath, now visible due to the chill in the air, was mingling together, “Maybe you’d like to be my guardian angel then.” The suggestion nearly had Castiel laughing, if only Dean knew that’s exactly what he was. Instead he pushed away all thoughts of Heaven and falling, gathering the right words.

 “I’ll be whatever you need, just give me the chance to prove to you that you deserve more than you think you do.”

 “Then I just need you.” Castiel felt his breath hitch as Dean came forward the last few centimeters to capture his lips in a soft kiss and in that moment as Dean’s hands came up to gently cup the sides of his face and his own hands found their way to Dean’s chest, fingers grabbing at his jacket as the kiss deepened Castiel would have turned his halo in if anyone asked him to. Dean broke the kiss and chuckled, “This wasn’t how I had pictured our first date going. I mean I glad it got to this point, because I’ve wanted to kiss you since I first saw you, but everything before this? I’m going to make it up to you.”

 “You don’t have to make anything up to me Dean.”

 “That doesn’t mean that I won’t try.”

 “I know.” Then Dean was kissing him again and Castiel could taste all the unspoken promises on the man’s tongue. It scared him, because it was without a doubt no longer about saving Dean, this was so much more, something that he knew nothing about.


	7. Talk can be the Enemy with all of the Wars it has Began

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cass and Dean cut date night short, Lauviah tells Cass the truth about her fall from grace, and Beezlebub returns with news that manages to shake Gabriel out of his Trickster persona.

 

> _Your secrets and whispers, they're lying to you  
>  But I held your hand when you asked - Parabelle "Tear the Blue"_

The days that followed that first date had been some of the best days of Castiel’s existence, which was certainly saying a lot. However he found himself on edge, Beelzebub had yet to return and Gabriel had disappeared soon after. Which was in turn beginning to affect Lauviah, who was using more of her already limited energy to make up for the absences. It was distressing for both of them, the increase in molted feathers about the apartment was certainly a testament to that. He had even started to lose a few from not being able to do anything more than wait tables and clean the kitchen when the café was actually open.

“We can cut tonight short Cass.” Dean’s smooth voice pulled him from his thoughts and his stomach dropped realizing that he had zoned out in the middle of dinner. They were at the Roadhouse tonight, its first night open since the small fire took out part of the kitchen and he hadn’t even touched the bacon cheeseburger that Dean had ordered for him, insisting that they were the best in the state.

“No that’s not necessary, but I’m sorry that I haven’t been the best company tonight.”

“No need to apologize, you’re worried about your family and I understand that, I really do.” There was a pause as Dean reached over to take his hand and give it a gentle squeeze. “Remember when I told that my little brother got in some trouble a few years back?” Castiel gave a short nod, already knowing that Dean was going to tell him about Sam’s drug addiction. “He met this girl, Ruby, turns out she was drug addict and she ended up getting Sam hooked. When I found out I wanted him to come home and check into rehab, hell I was ready to drive to California and drag his ass back myself. He didn’t want to hear it, told me that he was fine and getting help, promised to call me every day to let me know he was alive and sober. Sam did, at least for a few days and then it was every other day then every two or three. Finally it just got to the point where I didn’t hear anything, I had no idea where he was, who or what he was doing, or if he was even alive.”

“Dean…”

“I know it’s not quite the same, but I worried all the damn time, because I practically raised him and at that point he was the only family I had left. So I get it Cass, you’re worried and it’s okay that you’re worried. If you want to spend time with your sister, your family, I don’t mind, because I get it.” He hadn’t quite been expecting that from Dean and a rush of love and affection flooded his veins.

He squeezed Dean’s hand and whispered a quiet, “Thank-you.”

“Now, let’s finish our burgers first and then we’ll head out okay?” Without any further delay the angel bit into the still warm bacon cheeseburger and found another reason to love humanity and understood why Gabriel and the others enjoyed eating so often.

After a long mostly quiet drive and once Dean pulled up to the front of the shop Castiel decided to speak up, “I really am sorry that we had to end the date early, but I really do appreciate that you told me about Sam. It means a lot to me that you felt comfortable enough to share that with me.”

“I told you Cass, I want to tell everything, it’s just hard because the last time I felt this way about someone…I got hurt and it’s hard to recover from that.”

“I don’t know who hurt you,” the lie came easy, “but they were a fool for letting you go and they probably never deserved you to begin with if they had to hurt you to begin with.” In a moment of bravery Castiel leaned over and kissed Dean softly, it was the first time he had ever initiated a kiss and pulling away he felt a surge of pride, seeing that Dean was not only flushed, but speechless. “Good-night Dean and thank-you for understanding.”

“Night Cass.” With one last kiss, they parted ways and the calm Castiel had felt moments ago vanished as he entered the apartment to find Lauviah pacing the living area, wings out and wrapped tightly around her shoulders, and a lit cigarette hanging from her blood stained fingers. As she turned to face him, he saw that there was blood staining her shirt as well, relief flooded her features and she crossed the room to pull him into a tight hug, but not before flicking her fingers causing the cigarette to disappear. He tensed at the sharp scent of sulfur clinging to her, but underneath he could still smell ash and freshly printed books along with an earthy undertone.

 “Hey baby boy, how’d your date go?” The forced enthusiasm is her voice was painful to hear, but not nearly as painful as the small tremors running through her wings and body.

 “Lauviah, what happened? You’re not injured are you?” As she pulled away Castiel felt his stomach twist in worry as he looked over her.

 “No, I’m fine; it’s Beelzebub, but Gabriel’s in the nest with him now.” She wiped at her eyes before continuing, “I don’t know what happened, Gabriel just showed up with Beelzebub unconscious and covered in blood. Just tell me how things are with Dean, okay?” Castiel allowed her to drag him to the couch, fighting his desire to see Beelzebub in the off chance that he could help in some way, but it seemed the only help he could offer currently was a distraction for Lauviah. So he told her where Dean had taken him, what they had discussed. It seemed to soothe her, a soft smile gracing her lips, but Castiel found himself staring at her wings more often than not as he told her about Dean singing the entire way to the Roadhouse. He had only seen her wings once or twice, never long enough to take in how damaged they were. They appeared to have been auburn, based on the marginal coverts, but the rest of the feathers were black and ragged, a few were even missing or so thin it was amazing that they were still there. Even more so as he watched her pick and pull at her damaged wings, on verge of shredding what was left of them. “I know they’re not the prettiest.” She finally spoke and it was then that Castiel realized that he had trailed off mid-sentence and had been caught staring at them.

 “I’m sorry, I was just-”

 “It’s okay, Castiel, not many angels got to see what happened to wings after they’re dipped in holy fire, besides it’s only fair to be curious about what could happen to your own wings.” Castiel tried to imagine his wings looking like Lauviah’s and found that he couldn’t. It seemed impossible to picture his wings looking so broken and mangled, even if they were already black. “Since by the sounds of it, you wouldn’t go back to Heaven if you could.”

 “Not if it meant leaving Dean.” Lauviah made a small noise of acknowledgement, but then remained silent glancing over at the closed bedroom door where Gabriel was tending to Beelzebub. So Castiel took the opportunity to ask a question that had been bothering him ever since his sister confessed that she did not fall out of love for humanity. “Sister, why did you fall?”

 Silence followed his question, but just as he began to apologize for pushing at what had mostly been a delicate subject Lauviah began to speak, “It’s a long story. But contrary to the many stories told, I didn’t choose to join Lucifer’s rebellion, at least not when he first approached me. It was what happened after I declined him that began my fall from grace; be sure to never punish one for a crime unless you know that person truly deserves punishment.”

 “Wait, are you referring to letting Lucifer into the Garden?” He had heard the stories as a fledgling, of the four angels who brought Lucifer to the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil in an attempt to use the knowledge that was gained to destroy humanity. However, many stories told to fledglings were exaggerated, used to entertain, and made be taken with a grain of salt, therefore he hadn’t paid much more attention to them beyond face value.

 “Yes, I had been tending to the tree along with Berith, Salikotal, and Marou when Lucifer approached us and told us his beliefs and vision of what the Earth should be. Salikotal and I weren’t swayed, even if Berith and Marou were but Gadreel appeared with Michael and Raphael.” Castiel frowned as Lauviah paused and took a shaky breath she did not need before letting it out and continuing, “Berith and Marou escaped with Lucifer, but Salikotal and I were imprisoned and tried, Gadreel claiming that we had tricked him and allowed Lucifer in to the Garden. No one gave it a second thought since Gadreel was considered God’s most trusted and many did not trust that my sisters and I held information and knowledge that they did not. Many of our siblings are actually quite petty, but I certain that you already knew that.”

 Castiel found he agreed with Lauviah, being away from Heaven had allowed him to see that Heaven was deeply flawed and that many angels he had known did little more than follow orders like mindless sheep. “How long where you imprisoned?”

 “Long enough for me to reconsider Lucifer’s offer, but I was freed of the charges before I had the opportunity to act on the bitter thoughts clouding my mind. Thoughts and feelings that I thought I would be free from after Gadreel came forward, but I was wrong. Our siblings still did not trust me so I left and spent some time traveling Earth, watching humanity struggle. I could see what Lucifer had seen or at least a fraction of what he had seen and so I went to him, and told him that if his offer still stood I would accept.” Castiel waited for her to continue, amazed to hear that she had fallen in a similar vein of Lucifer’s philosophy. “The rest of the story you already know, those who rebelled were cast out and God left to grieve his lost children.”

 Castiel had a thousand questions on his tongue, but he wasn’t sure where to begin because he really did not know the rest of the story due to being one of the last angels created. What had been Lucifer’s offer? He knew that many of the angels that had joined were promised prominent positions if the rebellion had been successful. Had those who survived been given those positions of power in Hell? The possibilities of it all seemed endless and it piqued his curiosity in an entirely new way.

 “He’s awake if you want to see him.” Gabriel’s voice broke the silence as the bedroom door swung open and Lauviah was on her feet in an instant and Castiel found himself right behind her at least until he crossed the doorway. Beelzebub was propped up against the headboard with his wings out; they looked like Lauviah’s, except his marginal coverts looked to be plum colored and the one was obviously broken, bent at an impossible angle.

 “What happened?” The horror in Lauviah’s tone was unmistakable as she settled on the nest opposite of Gabriel who was working on resettling the wing so that it could be healed.

 “Anna was killed.” 

 “Anna?” Castiel heard himself ask watching Lauviah curl in on herself, eyes filled with tears, but his attention went to Beelzebub as the injured angel met his eyes.

 “You would know her as Anael, she came to us decades ago after decided that she was sick of our brothers and sisters being so emotionless and uncaring, she wanted to live as a human. So we helped her hide, but Michael found her.” As Beelzebub’s words washed over him Castiel felt like he had been punched, Anael had been his superior millennia ago when he had been first assigned to a garrison. They had been close during that time, only growing apart as they climbed ranks. In fact he hadn’t seen her since he had been promoted to a garrison captain and that had been hundreds of years ago not including the time spent as Dean’s guardian. He was lost in thought he nearly missed the rest of what Beelzebub was saying, “I’m afraid it gets worse, before Anna died she revealed to Michael that angels were leaving Heaven without his knowledge. Michael interpreted that to mean that Lucifer is going to attempt to claim Heaven for a second time, so he had a garrison attack Hell in search of any missing angels who were not part of the original rebellion.”

 The pieces began to fall in place and looked at his brother in disbelief, “But that would mean-”

 “That Heaven has declared war on Hell.” Gabriel finished his sentence with a grim expression and if that short sentence was enough to make the normally exuberant archangel somber, then Castiel feared what else would happen as a consequence of his actions.


	8. Can't Fight This Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After doing some digging, Sam reveals some information to his brother that may lead to the end of Dean's relationship with Cass. However, the last thing that Dean and Cass need, is to distance themselves from one another.

“I said there is no reason for my fear/Cause I feel so secure when we're together/You give my life direction/You make everything so clear” Dean sang as he poured his first cup of coffee. He had been in a surprisingly good mood despite Cass cutting their date short and then canceling on him a few days ago due to catching a cold.

 “REO? Dude you must have it bad.” Sam chuckled when his brother jumped, nearly spilling the coffee down his shirt. He ignored the one fingered salute, curiosity of Dean’s inability to take a joke.  He had been hoping to lighten the mood given what he had been looking into the last few days. His brother’s mood had considerably brightened since meeting Cass, but Sam had a sneaking suspicion about the strange man his brother had become infatuated with. “Seriously though Dean, You might want to slow down a bit. How much do you actually know about Cass?”

 “If you wanna give me the ‘no glove, no love talk’ you can save it.” Dean felt oddly satisfied that he pulled a bitch face out of Sam that early in the morning with only one sentence.

“That’s not what I wanted to talk about exactly, although it does involve Cass.” Sam spoke carefully watching Dean’s shoulders tense with each word.

“Ah, okay. Then you do realize that he’s the one who you’re supposed to be giving the shovel talk to right? As well as the fact that it’s a pretty odd time to be giving one?”

“Dean, I’m trying to be serious. I’m worried that you’re jumping into this relationship a little too quickly.”

“You said the same thing about Lisa.”

“Yeah and I don’t have to remind you how that ended.”

“That lasted a year so give me a little credit.”

“Yeah and when it ended you were completely destroyed.”

Neither of them enjoyed thinking of what happened after that particular break up. Sam had just been breaking an addiction while Dean was on the verge of starting one, turning to alcohol in an effort to numb the pain he was feeling.

“Fine, go ahead and share with the class.”

“Don’t be mad, but I had Ash do a little digging.”

“What the fuck Sam?” Dean snapped feeling betrayed. He may not have the best record in decision making but he trusted Cass and Sam should do the same. It seemed like Sam did the opposite of whatever Dean told him and for a moment Dean couldn’t help but wonder if that was a product of being a younger sibling. Like if Dean told Sam not to do anything, not even scratch his nose, then Sam would scratch his nose the minute his back was turned just to spite him.

“Calm down and let me explain. Since what happened with Ruby, I didn’t want to take any chances and I didn’t want to see you get hurt.”

“So what? Cass have a few misdemeanors I should know about?”

“That’s the thing Dean, there’s nothing.”

“Nothing is a good thing, I mean straight edge isn’t normally my thing, but-”

“No, Dean. There’s nothing. No trace of him ever existing and it’s not just Cass, it’s his whole family. Gabriel, Lauviah, and even the store doesn’t have any records. ” Even Ash had been baffled, spending hours looking for the smallest trace of something, of some evidence that these people ever existed or  had some type of past.

“So you’re saying that they just popped up out of nowhere on the middle of the night? That’s impossible Sam.” Then again he couldn’t recall ever seeing a bookstore in town before or any sign that a new store had been moving into that previously vacant location.

“I know which is why I’m saying that you can’t trust them. There’s something odd going on.”

“Okay, I understand your concern, but what’s to say that they’re not in trouble and just trying to stay safe by going off the grid?” Dean was doing his best to not let Sam’s apparent discovery get under his skin.

“You mean like witness protection?”

“Exactly, like witness protection.” Even if it seemed highly suspicious given the circumstances and Cass’s strange behavior he clung to any possible explanation that could keep himself from getting hurt. He couldn’t possibly go through the pain again of letting someone get so close only to have them leave.

“That doesn’t mean that they couldn’t be bad news. Cass could have been drug dealer and then snitched or maybe even mob. You did say that their family supposedly disowned them.”

“Do you realize how crazy that sounds? Cass isn’t like that, there’s no way. Dude couldn’t kill a fly. You’re wrong about this.”

“Then why don’t you ask him?”

“It’s not my place to ask him. If he wanted me to know he would have told me.”

“This is what I was talking about. You’re blindly trusting a guy you hardly even know, his dick must be good if you’re ignoring the holes in his story. I didn’t think you were actually this stupid Dean.” It was a low blow on Sam’s part, a cheap shot to spur his brother to stop thinking with his dick for a moment. Of course based off the blank expression on Dean’s face it seemed to have done the trick, but it made Sam feel a bit guilty. He never wanted to hurt his brother, but he certainly didn’t want to see Dean get his heart broken again.

Dean didn’t say anything, trying to keep his brother’s words from getting to him. Only it didn’t work and he decided to make a run for it, dumping his coffee down the drain before grabbing his keys and running out the front door. He could hear Sam calling for him and apologizing for crossing the line, but he couldn’t go back, not until he somehow managed to cool off. Without thinking he drove into town and parked in front of Forbidden Fruit, surprised to see that it wasn’t open and instead Cass was hanging a _Closed until Further Notice_ sign on the door. It seemed that Cass was surprised to see him as well and met Dean halfway on the sidewalk in front of the store.

“Dean what are you doing here?”

“I just needed to see you.” Dean automatically reached out, needing the other man close to him public displays of affection be damned and Cass allowed himself to be pulled closer although his muscles remained tense.

“This isn’t a good time, in fact it might be better if we don’t see each other for a while.” He hadn’t been expecting Dean and had spent several days trying to find a way to distance himself from the other man, even claiming to have caught the flu, at least until he was able to find a better solution. This certainly wasn’t the way he had planned on doing so, he could see the hurt, confusion, and anger flit across Dean’s face.

“The fuck Cass?”

“I’m sorry Dean, but something big has come up and it’s better if you don’t get involved.” Something big indeed, it seemed Heaven had been sending angels out to find any and all remaining fallen ones as a means of trying to find those who had disappeared recently.

“Not involved? What’s going on that you can’t tell me?”

“Please Dean, you’ll be safer and I don’t want to see anything happen to you, especially because of me.” Cass wanted to spill everything right then and there, tell Dean what he really was and that he had been the one who had stopped him that night countless weeks ago and had put Dean in danger. So far he had lost a dozen of his siblings and he was certain that he would lose more, just as certain that he would be damned if he was going to lose Dean.

 “I don’t understand. Whatever is going on, I want to be there for you Cass. That’s what couples do, they’re there for one another in times of need.”

“Then I need you to stay away from me for a while and away from here for a while. But please believe me Dean there isn’t anything I could say right now that would make this situation better, but you can trust me and trust me when I tell you that you don’t want to know everything. I do love you though, this doesn’t mean that I don’t or that I love you any less.” Cass moved to kiss Dean, but the other man didn’t reciprocate the action and Cass could tell that he was hurting.  

“Okay, then I guess I should go.”

“I’m sorry Dean, I am truly and deeply sorry.” Cass felt sick seeing the betrayal on Dean’s face. It made him wonder once more why so many angels chose to fall with the overwhelming flood of emotions and freedom. Yet, looking at Dean and the brilliance of his soul he knew why he would fall, if he even lived long enough to do so.

“No, its fine, just I hope whatever is going on gets settled quickly.” Dean said and retreated back to the car before Cass could say anything else.  He spared a glance at the other man before he drove off back to Bobby’s with an aching chest and tears threatening to spill.

Once he was back at Bobby’s Dean allowed himself to cry, the sharp bite of rejection leaving him feeling raw.  Once he finished, he took a few more minutes to compose himself and found the courage to go in to the house.

“They found three more bodies, this time in Indiana.” Bobby commented from behind a newspaper while Sam stood at the stove frying bacon.

“Same as the others?”

“Skewered and laid out to look like snow angels.”

“That makes that like, what half a dozen?”

“Try a dozen, people are starting to think it’s the work of a cult, the kills are too spread out to be one person. Plus there’s the religious imagery to take into account.”

“Did they release any of the victims’ names yet?”

“None, except for the first two. Why are you asking?”

“Dean mentioned that Cass has been dealing with some family issues, apparently their adopted brother, Beelzebub, who worked in the café went away on business not too long before the murders started.”

“I’m not sure I like what you’re implying, but you won’t have to worry about Cass anymore.” Dean spoke up and Sam froze like a deer in headlights.

 “Dean what happened?” Sam was quick to notice the red flush on his brother’s cheeks and matching red of his eyes which meant that Dean had spent some time crying before coming inside.

“Let’s say you were right and just leave it at that.” That wasn’t the whole truth and there had been many questions left unanswered. Dean knew Sam would try to pry further in to what happened, but he wasn’t about to tell his younger brother that he may have been right about Cass.

“I’m sorry, I know you really liked him.”

“Forget it Sam. I’m going to take a shower then see about visiting Charlie or Benny for a couple days. If that’s alright with you Bobby.” Dean hated to ask for permission to essentially run away because his boyfriend was hiding something from him. Or rather he should think of it more as taking an opportunity to clear his head and distance himself from the rapidly growing feelings he had for Cass.

“I’m sure the shop can survive a few days without you, but not too many, Garth can barely handle more than an oil change.” Bobby smiled for a moment hearing the small chuckle from both of his boys, but it didn’t last long when he turned his attention onto Dean entirely. “That being said, I want a phone call from you every four hours until you get to where you’re going and if I don’t get one I’m going to call Jody and then come and hunt your ass down myself.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is coming to a close, I figure there are only two or three chapters left.  
> With that being said I want to thank my dad's love of REO Speedwagon for helping me get this chapter finished and inspiring the next chapter which I will begin to work on as soon as possible.


	9. The Noose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel meets the first rebel of the family, realizes that he made the wrong decision, and learns how much he hates not only himself but the smell of blood.

       “So you’re the angel that’s brought Heaven to my front door… and all for one little human. Interesting.” Lucifer was inches away from Cass’s face and the younger angel would be lying if he said that it didn’t make him nervous. Although that was more from finally seeing the beauty that was once the morning star, even fallen, the grace Lucifer held was near breathtaking.

        “Back off Lucy.” Gabriel’s voice was low and his posture threatening, a side that Castiel couldn’t recall ever seeing before.

       “Gabriel, it’s good to see you. Are you planning on running with your wings between your legs like you did last time we went to war?” Lucifer’s attention went to the archangel.

       “There isn’t going to be a war.” It was the first time Lauviah had spoken since they arrived at Stull earlier that date.

       “And you know that for a fact, Lauviah?” Now Lucifer was looking her over with an expression that Cass could only describe as disgust.

      “No, but I’ll be damned if I let one happen.”

      “I wonder which of you knows what is going to happen. Not that it matters because you’re already damned.” Lucifer then turned to Cass once more, “Just as you are, Castiel. Which makes me wonder why you didn’t just rip your grace out and live out whatever time you had left with your human.”

 The thought had occurred to him, even Gabriel had asked him about that one night and he still believed he made the right choice in keeping his grace, “because then I wouldn’t be able to protect him.”

      “Him? You certainly don’t half-ass things, but why should I care beyond the fact that this gives me an opportunity to rip Michael’s wings to shreds like he did to mine.” Lucifer revealed all six of his wings then, stretching each pair out to their full lengths. Even damaged his wings were beautiful, a brilliant white flecked with gold which became thicker toward the bottom feathers or at least it seemed that way. Much like Lauviah and Beelzebub’s wings, Lucifer’s were partially burned and shredded, but not to the extent of the other’s wings.

       It was intimidating, but Cass wasn’t about to give up, “I don’t expect you to understand the first thing about love Lucifer, but it was never my intention to cause the deaths of so many of our brothers and sisters. I only wanted to protect a righteous soul of a man who has suffered by Heaven’s indifference, in my desire to protect him I fell in love him and I am willing to do anything for him.” Castiel unfurled his own wings, their span was not as impressive as Lucifer’s but still managed to raise the fallen angel’s eyebrows.

      “I wonder what star Father pulled you from. At least you won’t have any color to mourn when your wings burn.” Lucifer’s pulled his wings in before continuing, “I will help you in any way that I can, but you’ve made quite a mess Castiel, so I hope your human is worth it. You may also want to get him somewhere safe.”

      “Safe?”

      “If angels are going missing then Michael and Raphael are going to be going through every rank and position to see if everyone is where they should be and doing what they should be. So when they realize that you’re not doing either, where do you think they are going to go first?”

       Lucifer’s tone made Cass’s blood run cold. They would see if Dean’s soul was in Heaven and since it wasn’t they would know that he was protecting him. But he wasn’t there to protect Dean, he never thought that Michael and Uriel would possibly track him down through his charge.

       “Gabriel-” He didn’t even finish his sentence before he and Gabriel were standing on Bobby’s front porch.

       “Let’s make it quick, kiddo.” Gabriel knocked on the door and pushed his way past Sam when the younger Winchester opened the door.

       “You’ve got a lot of nerve showing up here Cass.”

       Cass deserved the angry tone and glare Sam used on him, actually he deserved more than that, “I know, but this is important, where’s Dean?”

       “Why do you care?”

       “He’s in danger because of me and need to make sure that he’s someplace safe.”

       “Yeah that really makes me want to tell you where he is, which for the record seems pretty safe since you’re not there.” Sam wasn’t going to give Dean up easily and Cass had expected that. Things may still be rough between the two brothers, but they would still protect each other.

       “Look Sasquatch, we really don’t have time to explain, but maybe if we’re still alive by the end of the week I could take you out to lunch and give you the full story. But for now it would be a good idea to tell us where Dean-o is before our brothers find him.” Gabriel chimed in and Cass could hear the irritation building in his voice.

       “Please, Sam, I need to let Dean know that I am sorry and I need to know that he’s going to be safe.”

       A tense silence followed, but Sam let out a long suffering sigh, before answering, “He’s not here, Cass. You really hurt him, he went to stay with a friend in Louisiana for a few days.”

      Cass felt some relief, Dean was with Benny which meant that Raphael and Michael hadn’t come looking for him yet.  A small part of him also felt jealousy knowing that Dean had an intimate relationship with Benny in the past.  Although it overshadowed by self-loathing and worry because he had been the one to chase Dean away, he was the one who put him in danger. “Thank you, Sam, that’s all I needed.” He turned to leave but was stopped by Sam gripping his arm.

      “You can’t just ask where Dean is, say he’s in danger and then leave!”

      “I’ll explain everything Sam, I swear, but not right now.” He brushed Sam off. This was taking too much time, he needed to get to Dean. Before Sam could say anything Gabriel snapped his fingers and the younger Winchester disappeared.

      “He’s fine just somewhere Michael or Raphael won’t find him, but we need to get going.” Gabriel snapped his fingers again and they were standing outside of Benny’s trailer home in the backwoods of Louisiana.

      Or what used to be Benny’s home, the windows were shattered and the door had been blown off. The scent of blood was sharp in the air and Cass felt his knees go weak. His brothers had found Dean. He was too late.


	10. Actions & Motives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just don't get it  
> How you managed to justify who dies  
> Like judge and jury  
> You're the very one who crucifies- "Actions & Motives" 10 Years

 

 

Dean was scared, no he was fucking terrified. He had only been having a few beers with Benny when two men neither of them recognized showed up carrying blades. Now Benny was dead and he was tied to a chair with no fucking idea where and the one who introduced himself as Michael was asking him where Cass was.

 “I told you if he’s not at the fucking bookstore then I don’t know where the fuck he is!”  Pain erupted through the left side of his face. He didn’t even see Michael move, but the punch had to knock some teeth loose and give him whiplash if it hadn’t already broken his jaw. He could taste blood and feel it trickling down the corner of his mouth.

 “To think Castiel fell for such a foul-mouthed creature.” The Michael snarled, lips curling in disgust. “I should just kill you, you were supposed to kill yourself.”

 Dean spit the blood at Michael’s feet, “What are you talking about? And what do you want with Cass?” Dean wasn’t sure he wanted an answer, but nothing was making sense. What did Cass have to do with his failed suicide attempt and how did the two men even know about that?

 “Cass. It’s almost cute. As if it wasn’t abomination that goes against the word of my Father. No angel was supposed to lay with a human.”

 “You’re fucking crazy.” Dean expected another hit, but it never came instead Michael looked at him in slight confusion.

 “Castiel didn’t tell you his true nature then?”

 Dean didn’t say anything, there wasn’t anything that he could say even if his face wasn’t staring to swell up. Thankfully he didn’t have to the other man, Raphael, the one who had killed Benny appeared.

 “Michael, we found Castiel. He’s at the Gates of Hell.”

 “Then why isn’t he here?”

 “Lucifer and the fallen are surrounding the area, we’ve already lost three garrisons.”

 “How?”

 “Gabriel is helping them and it seems that they have The Tree.”

 “I’m not liking what I’m hearing, Raphael.”

 “Gabriel said that they would allow us through if we brought Dean Winchester alive and unharmed.” The two turned to Dean who was even more confused and frightened before with all the talk of angels and Hell. None of that was real, it couldn’t be, these people were just crazy or maybe Dean had never made it to Benny’s and was in a coma somewhere. That was the only thing that made sense, but then if that was the case why couldn’t he wake up and why was Michael able to hurt him?

 “Well, Dean you’ll get to see Castiel again after all.”

 Dean flinched when Raphael reached a hand toward him, fingers had barely brushed his temple before the world around him shifted.  He was no longer sitting tied to a chair, instead he was standing in Raphael’s iron hold surrounded by dozens of tombstones and countless faces. He recognized a few faces, like Gabriel and Beelzebub and wondered if he was hallucinating when he saw four Lauviah’s in the small circle he was in the middle of.

 “Dean!” Cass shouted and Dean felt relief wash through him when he saw the blue-eyed man step forward. “You’re hurt.”

 “That’s close enough Castiel.” Michael warned holding up a silver blade.

 “Come on Michael, let the kid see his boyfriend.” Another man stepped forward and Dean’s eyes widened in surprise seeing six wings sprouting from his back.  

 “Lucifer, I don’t know how you corrupted so many after all these centuries, but you will pay for this.”

 “Sorry to disappoint you, but Castiel came to me for help and I’m not one to turn down a brother in need or an opportunity to repay you for what you did to me.”

 Dean was only vaguely aware of what the two were saying to each other, his attention was on Cass who in that moment had never looked so far from human, yet somehow still human. Cass caught his eyes and began to apologize.

 “Dean, I’m so sorry this is all my fault. I never wanted this to happen, believe me.” Cass’s words settled over him and Dean did believe him. 

 “Yes, Castiel why don’t you explain what your grand plan was.”

 “Release Dean and I will.”

 “Very well.”

 Raphael let go of Dean and he ran into Cass’s awaiting arms. Cass cupped Dean’s bruised and bleeding face and Dean felt his skin tingle for a moment and then the pain was gone. There were so many questions weighing on his tongue. They came out in a rush, barely resembling English, but Cass understood him anyway answered as much as he could between apologizes and kisses before Michael brought their attention back to the situation at hand.  

 “We’re waiting Castiel, what could you possibly gain from betraying Heaven?”

 “Dean’s safety and happiness,” Cass answered without hesitation, nudging Dean to stand behind him near Gabriel, “I watched him suffer under your indifference, under Heaven’s indifference, yet his soul remained bright and pure. The night he was supposed to kill himself I had enough, I could not stand to witness his death, not when he had yet to experience the love and happiness that he deserves.”

 Dean was speechless. Cass had been the one to save him all those months ago, Cass had been watching over him his entire life which registered as creepy in some part of Dean’s mind. Yet what was front and center in his mind was why Cass would do this, because what he was saying didn’t make sense to him. There wasn’t anything special about Dean, he didn’t deserve what Cass was saying he deserved.

 “You’re a disgrace. As are you Gabriel, because I believe it is safe to say you were the one who helped him.” Michael spat and Dean watched in amazement once more as white six wings furled behind the man.

 “I’ve had a lot of practice over the centuries, if you only knew how many angels wanted to get out from under your thumb.” Gabriel replied revealing his own six golden wings and summoning his own blade.

 “I hope you’re proud of your actions because you will join them when they burn for turning against Father.”

 “Michael, you and Raphael are the only ones going against Father.” Lauviah stepped forward coming to stand before the archangel, although the three others who looked like her reached out to stop her with a soft cry of ‘Sister, don’t.’

 “Why should I take the word of a fallen angel?”

 “Because we are all flawed, Father intended for it to be so. Anael’s was curiosity, Lucifer’s is pride, and Castiel’s flaw is love, just as yours is arrogance.” Her voice was soft and her wings unfurled but remained in a submissive gesture or at least that’s how Cass described the way she was holding them to Dean.

 “How dare you speak to me in that manner, if any of our Father’s creations are flawed it is humans, they serve no purpose other than to fuel Heaven. They are coal and we are stars. ” There was a collective gasp as Michael held a blade up to Lauviah’s chest.

 “They are diamonds and we are dust, Michael. You’re just upset that Father loved them more than he loved us. ”

 Dean found himself being pulled against Cass’s chest and shielded by something soft and warm as a blinding white light flooded the area.  An eerie silence settled over the area and when Cass released Dean he turned to see that it had been Cass’s wings shielding him, but he didn’t have time to admire how beautiful the dark blue, almost black feathers looked because Lauviah was dead, what had been left of her wings reduced to ash.

 There was a murmur of ‘sister’ throughout the crowd before the bubble of silence burst and Cass was running toward the center of the cemetery with Dean as the sounds of war began.


End file.
